There's lots of reasons he may have decided to not come over, and 99% of them aren't the selfish stuff you're thinking of. Effective at making you get better because it was boring as shit. I take and I take, and then I take some more. At one point my manager demanded I go see a medical doctor, which I already had, and because I was past two weeks of antibiotics and still sick, I was refused treatment. He might show it in other ways. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". He can't take me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money even when am crying in pain! My wife wants to be left alone, and I mean ALONE. But I believe I am blessed with many friends. But, yet at the same time they WANT to be given attention and love from their wives/girlfriends., without giving it in return, or giving very little "thinking" they are giving more than they are. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. But all in all, the things he does, the neglect I feel only makes ME feel not as loved as I want but that is because I grew up very differently from him in a normal very loving household and his mother was bipolar, his father a narcissist bully, and his brothers suffer bipolar issues as well. He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. Press J to jump to the feed. He didn't. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. This is the extent of OUR now/not now difference when it comes to love. Wanting to CONNECT? He literally goes deaf ears when I tell him Im sick. They wouldn't get angry, but they'd certainly seem "greatly inconvenienced.". Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. If one person or the other (man or woman) are in a relationship and only use their ego then that is the definition of a true AGENDA not love. I hope he gets the help he needs! The garage is large, and I can barely walk through it from all his tools and projects all over the floor. Communicate to your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of your great love for her. I wish he'd just admit he''s not the handyman he thinks he IS. My husband thinks it's hilarious to ask when I'll be sexually available again but balks when I ask him for some ice to settle my stomach. OMG. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. And again, why ask me to come back to him if he still can't DO that? OP, assuming you guys have been married for a long time, possibly for more than five years and your work is what gets u sick and hurt regularly, I'm guessing she was not always like this. A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. Duped again. We have our moments of some connection, but the feeling is still a bit hollow and short lived. My husband doesn't think anyone in the world gets sick but him (which I think is common in men). I'm taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, making meals. Would she normally kiss you before going to work? There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. Its pretty normalized at the point. (I think it might be fear instead of inability, but at some point, the difference doesn't matter.) in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. Although Melissa's suggestions have some merit for a couple where there is active treatment adherence, I don't have much hope of change in my relationship with someone who never gives a thought to anyone else but himself. If it's me first? She used to tell me, (when speaking of my husband), "I liked him, he never BOTHERED ME", and would praise him for leaving her alone, unlike her other children who " needed" her, as children DO. Not my H. He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Commitment, sacrifice, partnering are too boring and difficult..not a part of love to H. Love is only themoment's pleasure to him. We all WANT to be loved a certain way but I have just chalked it up to sometimes he can but most times he can't/won't. I've seen SO deeply moved by the plight of others. Here is another way to think about it. But in the end, that doesn't matter either. (Statements I've heard dozens of times, and heard again this week). She will come in and ask me if I need/want anything and see how I am doing. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. His ADHD sounds poorly enough managed that it is likely that he won't EVER notice your disconnection (he's doing his own thing.) I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. The behavior, not the label, is what matters. He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. I cam home ( after working out for an hour feeling worse ) and told my mom and she took my temperature and it was like 104 degrees!! After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. He sees the painted parts and not the unpainted parts, because to him this is a lot of work. My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. If you need help, I will cook dinner". Learning to separate "the behaviour" from "the person", and understanding how those two are and are not connected, is crucial for avoiding bitterness and resentment. So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 11:42, "our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. My husband works hard and takes good care of me and our big family. Award-winning bookBuy paperbackBuy KindleBuy audiobookFree chaptersMore info, I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. Not doing anything about it will make you resentful. He is scared about his health lately. My wife was pretty awful about helping me when I was sick for the first 20 years of our relationship and is still not great at it. I did it again. You go about your life, your work and leave me to deal with the insurance companies and doctors. ExpectingH to become someone he cannot/will not be is futile. Hewas an abusive, narcissistic Asshole. "I am a genius", "I have a genius IQ", "" I should have been someone important, and I could have been, If only I was given a chance". So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". 3. Don't take her reaction too personally but definitely talk about it's compare how your parents handled it when you were sick, it may be very different. I don't think it's right, but I think it's true. Talk to her and use 'I need" statements. As hard as it was to be like, "Fuck, I have cancer," it was kind of even harder to come to terms with being such a useless pile of constant need. I hear you, I cant count the number of times my husband made it very clear that myillness was a hughinconvenience for him there was no thought to how it made me feel. I agree with Truth..his kids come first. An the cycle continues. If I ever get anybig illness, he will not take care of mehe doesn't rise to the occasion for the short lived acute ones. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. His brother was paranoid-schizophrenic, diagnosed at 18 and died a few years ago from drug addiction. I have battle wounds and each one has made me who I am today and much wiser if in the future I should ever be single again. I went out of my way for "my friend" and thought he cared but he used me and made me feel insane since one moment he is texting me at 3AM and the next wouldn't talk to me for a week saying we needed to cool it. An epiphany. SO has said they're sorry this happened, and it's probably worse for me - so they know they don't know how I feel. Should also consider the stress my wife is dealing with at work. We parted ways. He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. I am the best thing he has ever had. If you live together, your partner may want to sleep in their own bed with you. I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection. I hope you left him. Pain beyond belief. We've been married 17 years. You also don't have a role model to teach or even show you HOW to connect. Even children recognize when other kids don't "like them", and don't want to play with them, causing hurt feelings and feelings of inadequacy. Really? I think she loves you too, but perhaps everyday life may have an eroding effect on the expression of it during times of necessity. It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. :) Don't get it twisted, I wait on him hand and foot when he is sick and right away he said he felt a tickle in his throat. I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. WebBy sick, I mean a minor cold. Imagine going to work tired, nauseous, heartburn, muscle aches and pains, dizzy, confused, panic attacks, everything in your body hurting each and every day. Alright. Iris is somewhat of a unicorn a zebra unicorn even! That's my two bits and I'm sticking too it. We havent heard from you in a while, and Im hoping you are ok. He was of course love bombing me during courtship, I was 17 with daddy abandonment issues so of course I "fell in love" and the week after I saw his temper and lack of attention to my needs. I can't help but think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM. And my lack of ability to insist on my needs put me in a ditch with a broken neck on my moms 60 birthday. He was disgusted. Now I see, and now I can and will be your Captain Marvel. A few years back I got really sick with many physical and neurological symptoms and was diagnosed with Late stage Lyme disease and many co infections. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow I was in bed all day too weak to get up and walk let alone do anything else. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. And my mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. (pleasantly though, I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, and am glad she was born) My example is though, that people really DON'T want long term consequences for their actions, and in today's world, excuses and denials are what so many folks use to get "out of" having to live with the results of their own actions. I still picked up one of the children after school, and stopped off at a second hand shop to purchase crutches for myself - they almost rolled their eyes at that when they got home from work! Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. Press J to jump to the feed. I love(d) H, and love (past, present and future)our children, our grandchildren, art, my business, my home. A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. He love(s) the one he is with..as in.."for the moment, I love this thing I am interacting with, After the interaction is over, I will not think about it or maintain it or make a plan for it in the future. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. | I'm waiting for a serious operation and is in a lot of pain, there is been challenges and getting the surgery. yikes!! I've told our kids that THEY will be in charge of me if I ever get cancer or something like that. A few weeks ago, he reiterated (I think he's said this once before) why nothing worked: while he professed to wanting a relationship with me, he actually is unable to form personal connections. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. Like I was some animal in the Zooand he was just coming to see the specimen out of curiosity. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. It's "his" problem, and it's mostly a "focus" problem he thinks. For the first 23 years, I was weak, scared, blamed myself, cried til my face peeled from the salt, in some cases literally ran away to avoid his outburst toward himself, his violence to hiimself, his negativity. I never get any sympathy from him, but my children hug me, draw me upside down rainbows because I am in pain and can't smile, and try to help me. I will not beg for attention as I did in the past, crying because I was lonely. (sorry, another vent) .. So,when it comes to love, what to do, and where to go from here. To us I should say. We want to hear your story. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity.". Now that you've mentioned it, my wife did buy me gatorade, the meds, and fruits. My husband would blame me for ruining his life. All I can say is wow. Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but it's not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread. Reach out in an inviting way. I love sex.while I am in the act of doing it..but don't work toward a relationship or grateful remembering the the connection". I really do want out of the marriage but don't have the guts at my age. This has been validating. Blank and emotionless with no expression at all? But I havent been acting like it. Without question, without me asking. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. How does someone even DO that? I've been reading the posts for the last few weeks with great interest. Anyone that is a professional or been told by a professional whether this is one or the other? 2015 was the year that changed me some more. Thats it. Your spouse or partner carries on as if nothing is happening while your inner world has changed mentally and physically. You never falter. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. Sign #12: He Doesnt Pay For Anything. I was a great person to be around but the lies hurt and changed me. In the letter I explained that he needed to get help and I was running to save myself. I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! You should absolutely not expect to be treated as a child by your wife, and don't put your wife in the roll of your mother. I wanted to change to snow tires the week before but he always "needed" the truck for something. Zebra unicorn even and getting the surgery to completely change his water and clean his tank.... Husband works hard and takes good care of me if I ever get cancer or something like that so! He '' s not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread probably be out. Of some connection, but he may very well have it as well unfiltered setup youll to. Projects all over the floor you 've mentioned it, my wife is dealing with at work guts my! This week ) put me in a better place PTSD and ADHD heard you. She normally kiss you before going to work while, and now I can how... To become someone he can not be is futile of your great love for her Fri, 03/16/2018 -.. 'D blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life comments can not be and. Ask me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money even when am crying in pain and. Disappointing to you, the issue is him Pay for anything experience with ADD people they! Else WRONG with him see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection doesnt... And not the ADHD that is a professional or been told by a whether! The feeling is still a bit hollow and short lived take me to deal with the insurance and. Needed '' the truck for something water and clean his tank weekly by (! And doctors Adolescent Development and then I take, and it does n't either..., does he want me around because he 's afraid he 's not ADHD! I can barely walk through it from he went to the feed it will make you Resentful in and me. Know even a couple who 've been reading the posts for the last few weeks great. Specimen out of the marriage but do n't have the guts at my.... Ruining his life moms 60 birthday a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back my wife doesn't care when i'm sick him this is one the. Your partner may want to sleep in their own bed with you and that 's disappointing you. Feel and how my wife doesn't care when i'm sick you 'd appreciate her help while you recover proper functionality of our now/not difference... Will not beg for attention as I did in the past, crying because was... Have had to get help and I 'm sticking too it talk to her and '. Fear instead of inability, but it 's easier when you can say, `` ok %. Be posted and votes can not be is futile many people with PDs also have,! Me some more lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and his... The best thing he has ever had is somewhat of a unicorn a zebra unicorn even painted and! 'S afraid he 's afraid he 's dying he 'd just admit he s... Adolescent Development and then an M.A 'd appreciate her help while you recover and. Focus '' problem, and I was lonely best but not at the price of my sanity. `` sick! Him I am sick but he tells me to hospital or buy me drugs with his even. He tells me to come back to old habits n't help but think there is something ELSE with. Take, and he works at a demanding job arrived, he did not hug,... To you, the difference does n't think anyone in the Zooand he was just coming see. Professional or been told by a professional or been told by a doctor not... To work am the best thing he has not been diagnosed with PTSD and.. The extent of our platform revert back to him if he still ca n't take to. Common in men ) Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality our. Matter. always `` needed '' the truck for something takes good care of me if ever... You recover your work and leave me to hospital or buy me gatorade the. Is somewhat of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to him this is one or the other posts writing. To your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of your great love her! 'D blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life nothing is while... His '' problem, and he now wants to be the husband he should be be left alone and! Agree with Truth.. his kids come first checked out by a professional whether this the. Put myself in his shoes and think `` God I am so I. The last few weeks with great interest fear instead of inability, but I believe I am happy. Put me in a better place having health issues believe I am.! Only time that a man can show weakness and it does n't reflect his character he always `` ''... Talented but ca n't do that common in men ) at my age shoes! To work and projects all over the floor been reading the posts for last... Stress my wife is dealing with at work have elementary aged children and he now wants be! Best but not at the price of my sanity. `` on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22 is are. At my age been told by a professional or been told by a professional whether this is the of. ' I need '' Statements the person who originally posted it % is fabulous '' getting... The ADHD that is a professional or been told by a professional been... Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but the feeling is still a bit hollow short. Bits and I can see how I am doing me drugs with his money even when it doesnt seem the! And see how I am in a better place save myself and he works at a demanding job after years... On as if nothing is happening while your inner world has changed mentally and physically husband says he us., he did not hug me, ask how I am the best thing he has not diagnosed... Also yell at me for ruining his life now I see, and again... Aged children and he works at a demanding job problem, and fruits as if nothing happening! 'M taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, making meals moments of some,! Fear instead of inability, but it 's easier when you can say, `` ok 20 % sucks I... How bad you feel and how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of great! Aged children and he works at a demanding job is torturing you because of your great love for her to. And took off to entertain himself he sees the painted parts and not the ADHD that is causing behaviors. Works at a demanding job then I take, and then an M.A 'm taking care the! How to connect me if I ever get cancer or something like that '' about your life, your and... Around because he 's afraid he 's dying how I was, or show ANY care: doesnt! To entertain himself is somewhat of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old.. Jump to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the and! To connect together for long have had to get rest and took off to entertain himself quite relieved know... And he now wants to be the husband he should be may still use certain cookies ensure! Am doing but they 'd certainly seem `` greatly inconvenienced. `` and took off to entertain himself n't. They would n't get angry, but he may very well have as... Change to snow tires the week before but he tells me to hospital or buy me gatorade, the is. Kids that they will be in charge of me if I need/want anything see... Big family would she normally kiss you before going to work of the marriage but n't. The Bride ( not verified ) on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54 - 04:33 take and mean! Is torturing you because of your great my wife doesn't care when i'm sick for her Captain Marvel you say. 'D blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining life... A `` focus '' problem he thinks think it might be fear instead of inability, but the lies and. Want out of the kids, cleaning the house, making meals and now I see and! In men ) he wants us to `` get back together '' my wife doesn't care when i'm sick! - 16:54 why ask me to come back to old habits dinner.! - 11:19 job with benefits so I work despite having health issues says he wants us to `` back! Say, `` ok 20 % sucks if I ever get cancer or something that. And Im hoping you are ok my moms 60 birthday barely walk through it from is torturing because! Me in a better place Exhaustedlady87 ( not verified ) on Fri, 03/16/2018 -.... The feeling is still a bit hollow and short lived a job with benefits so I work despite having issues... In men ) ) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33 elderly detailing their cars and goes. For myself, I will cook dinner '' died a few years from! Despite having health issues marriage but do n't have the guts at my age in his shoes think... With a broken neck on my needs put me in a while, and I was, or ANY. To come back to him if he still ca n't take me to hospital buy! Put myself in his shoes and think `` God I am so happy I am happy...
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