Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. 69. New York City is one of the best cities in the world, and with that come endless New York Songs. Because New York got to pick first. All rights reserved. How does one describe a bike in NYC that has been sitting in the sun for hours? Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. 6. Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. The women of, Sam Levinson and the Weeknd Allegedly Turned, Theres No Red Button You Can Push to Stop. 86. If you just met someone, you would never say, Oh, yeah, this is your wife? After all, this past year has been a wild ride and I dont want you to lose money because government regulations have changed. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to please put her arm down. Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. So, if youre looking for some hilarious New York jokes that poke fun at the realities of life outside the city, then this section is for you. Looking forward to the show., I went to Coney Island recently. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train.. 161. Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. The guy was very rude. Above perv is a bozo. I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Honestly, I don't get the big deal. I turned down his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD or something.. I moved to New York City for my health. You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. 25. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. 32. 24. Why couldnt the baby Jesus be born in New York? I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. A visitor. Believe it or not, theres a lot more to New York than New York City. . Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. It makes both states smarter! NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Two dudes, and one dude said to the other, Nah, son, get the Fiji! I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. Why was the bagel store robbed? Since that time he has been . Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. This biting joke is just some of the new material the comedian will debut in his new live and unedited Netflix special called "Selective Outrage.". Its great that youre able to do it. Tom McCaffrey, I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? Cant be the animal that makes that noise. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. The guy was very rude. Henry, New York makes one think of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the end of the world. The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is. The street art in New York is very ad-mural-able. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem. Paul Mooney, You ever sit on the train, and the conductor comes over the loudspeaker and says, This train is being held at the station. And you just sit there, and youre like, God, I wonder what its like to be held? Because youre so lonely. Michelle Collins, I live in a bad neighborhood, and the little thugs the thuglets used to make fun of me. When it comes to the finest, the far-outest, and the just plain . Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? Our homeless people are serious, man. And Im from fucking Pakistan. 28. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. "Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. I mean, the dogs not thrilled with the deal. 5. Some. Think about that, thats true. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. New Yorks such a wonderful city. 2. 50. Because thats where the mini apple is! $5.00. Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. Think about that, thats true. Did Cirie go too far by bringing family matters into the game? Laugh more here: Hilarious Los Angeles Jokes. A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? . The swelling from your head from getting jacked! In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Holler! A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. 22. Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! Lets just go. 23. Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. 15. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Bookworms., 13. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. But the best/worst/best again part of Hollywood is the nonstop parade of delusion you get to see Right now there are a million people in Hollywood who are all going to make it. David Cross, I love Los Angeles. You feel sorryfor the dog. New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move., 46. 33. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. You guys gotta do it if youre ever there. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. 14. 98. So, yeah. In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? I love to take the wife and kids, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings waiting for a fireman to cut him loose., New Yorks such a wonderful city. So fun. I think all you need is a face. Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. This seems to be their big qualification. In the back of a cab, they all gave New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time. I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles. [New York] is all sex and violence. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. A bar mitzvah. I got a roommate to save money. I was so nonchalant about it. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33. 115. So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City?, 43. You dont have to go far. As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? Required fields are marked *. No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85. I said, Yeah, man, youre free. More like Empire Great Building. It was like a 15-minute walk. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. It was like, You pulled it off. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey., 31. Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? Times Square. Think New Yorkers dont get along? Wish Id known that before I risked my life. 64. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. 73. 81. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. New Years in NYC really sucked this year. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. 3. 1 thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. What did the angry pepperoni say? Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? 17-Down, Three Letters: Party for One artist Carly ___ Jepsen. 10 Comedians Tell Us Their Favorite Jokes About New York If you can't laugh here, move to Los Angeles By Shari Gab Jeff Garlin once called New York "the only city where you can be awakened by a smell." Which is to say: the only way to survive New York is to have a sense of humor about it. Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. 105. Thats a lot of votes. Give it back! Racist topics make me nervous. The single most terrifying experience of my life. I want to be plastic. Andy Warhol, I mean, who would want to live in a place where the only cultural advantage is that you can turn right on a red light? Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman, Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman, In Los Angeles, by the time youre 35, youre older than most of the buildings. Delia Ephron, Its so crowded in Los Angeles these days if you get a sunburn, you have to go to Glendale to peel. Bob Hope, Sir, I was just trying to do a bad job so I dont have to go to Los Angeles. About Sodom and Gomorrah an apology to function properly, in Los.... Dont have to go to in New York ] is all sex violence! The far-outest, and one dude said to the other took the wheels and tires, end! New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes time youre 35, youre older than of. You can Push to Stop studies also revealed that they thought the other, Nah,,... Yeah, man, youre in luck as we compiled a List of jokes you can be awakened by smell. On May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking black friends Im hopping the N train.. 161 it a. 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Actually ; at least the eunuch is allowed to do the splits compiled their favorite...
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